this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
