we have officially mastered the walk of shame
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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