great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i think i just lost a toe
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
