Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
