Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
