Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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