from now on my penis is your penis
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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