The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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