I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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