True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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