be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
