i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
