SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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