So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
