I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize