She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
