Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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