drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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