dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
