it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
