I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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