she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
