so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
