Ambien. No doubt about it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
