Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
