we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
