she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
