The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
