so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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