In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
