You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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