I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
