Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
