He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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