I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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