I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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