Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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