he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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