I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
