On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
