I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
