i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
