we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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