I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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