i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm way too hungover for life right now
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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