the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
