Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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