He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
