k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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