I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I want to make a zoo with you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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