my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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