I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just invented taco cereal.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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