i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
