Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
