I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
